Thoughts

Been months since I last blogged here.
I guess this is the only space now where I can rant without many of my non-close friends can see.

Turning 21 was no difference from turning 20 because I have never met with any difficulties in my life (not yet i suppose) like paying for my bills and etc because my mom does that. But since I am growing up already, I thought that I should pay for my bills myself but I am too shy to mention because I am afraid I wouldnt have enough to spend for the rest of the month if I did that. Sigh, how selfish of myself..

I also broke up with my 1 year 3 months long boyfriend because I felt that there was no point in being in that relationship anymore because my feelings have already faded for him long time ago and I was really lying to him and to myself that I still loved him when all I loved was his company. I dont really have a close friend to hang out with other than my sistas (yes you guys know who you are). I dont want to look for a boyfriend, actually, everyone needs a best friend of the opposite sex. Yes, I do have some guy friends who I'm close to, but I also want a best guy friend where I can hang out with, go on impromptu overseas trips with, go visit cafes with, go watch movies with, y'know, like what I would do with a girlfriend. Maybe I'm thinking too much but people dont want to be my friend =(.

Which brings me to the next point of my lengthy rant. This world is such a realistic world. People only want to talk to someone who looks pretty/handsome. I can say this because I myself like to speak to good looking guys as well, but NO, I do not want to make friends with only good looking guys, I also want to make friends with everyone... But NO again, because guys all like pretty looking girls and pretty looking girls mostly have bad personalities.. That is another selfish thought again because I know so many pretty girls who has the darkest heart ever.

Which also leads me to my next point (again..). I feel really inferior of my looks. I know I am not pleasant looking because I am a fat girl and I actually have REALLY LOW self esteem when it comes to looks but I'm pretty sure people around me and who are close to me know that this part of me is getting better and I do feel that I have become more confident of my own looks and personality. But sometimes I really wonder if people are really fine with my attitude and how I look when I'm with them. I try my best to fit in whenever I can but when I'm trying, people can not see that I'm struggling. When I go out with my friends, I am always the one who looks the worst because of my size. My colleagues have once mentioned that pretty people always have an ugly friend to go out with them because they want to stand out beside their friend. I dont know if its true or not to some people, but I hope my friends arent doing that (I know you guys dont though <3 nbsp="" p="">
I still have a fear of putting a mirror in my room because I really hate to look at myself in the mirror. I hope its not a sign to depression or something but I guess most fat girls who are not vain and are not proud of their size feel the same way too..

Because of how I look like today, I dare not approach the people that I like let them know because I also have a fear of rejection (geez I really have a lot of fears dont I). I have to silently let them go.

WHEN CAN I FEEL MORE CONFIDENT ABOUT MYSELF, SOBS. I REALLY WANT TO CRY NOW. MAYBE I NEED TO GO FOR CONFIDENCE WORKSHOP LOL. I bet if i ever go to one, everyone there would be like me. Lol. Bye